Walk to Self Destruction

Now first up, I told you this blog would be filled with a bit of deep and meaningful mush. Be warned, this is another one of those posts. Bear with it for a little while, but let’s be honest this blog is for me. If I cannot write about what I want. So here goes nothing. Hear about what it means to take a walk to self destruction.

There’s a reason they say we are our own worst enemy. What we feel inside projects externally as who we are. We often self criticise in excess and lack the concept of self worth. You may feel that this remains an internal feeling, something you work through alone, wrong. I have experienced this first hand. It will start to show externally in the decisions you make for yourself.

For a number of reasons, I lost my sense of self love over the past few months. A deep sense of not feeling like I deserved the blessings I had in life took over me and thus began my walk to self destruction. In my head I had decided I wasn’t a good enough person to be expected to make the right decisions in life, so why bother. Often the wrong choices are, temporarily, more fun and give off that adrenaline rush.

Don’t think I went off on some huge bender, but I was seeking a feeling of peace and belonging. I was oblivious to the origin of my lack of these feelings. It was not at all that my outside world viewed me as undeserving, it is that I viewed myself that way. Seeking external validation and pleasure from a world around you when you are unable to validate yourself is a futile process. I sought comfort in possibly the worst place to attempt to find it, in someone else. And to further the matter, not an old friend or family member who knows my inner workings, but someone who I knew deep down would validate my self destructive behaviours.

However, here is something I have come to realise; yes there is always an element of external pressure but it is my own inner pressure that really tips me over the edge. I always have higher expectations of myself and standards I think I should reach. When I fail to meet my own expectations it all falls apart.

I found myself stuck in this cycle of an initial poor decision which then led me to lose faith in myself,  feel regret and disappointment and then continue to make poor decisions on the back of the previous one. I found comfort in the people who validated these poor decisions as opposed to those who would have told me to snap out of it and helped me get it together. Does that even make any sense? It is truly a self destructive process.

Then all of a sudden I realised, if I cannot forgive myself how can anyone else forgive me. If I don’t respect myself, how will anyone else respect me. It was like an epiphany. When we get stuck in ruts like this, we probably all need some light bulb moment like the one I had. It has to come from within; no one else can convince you of this.

In these moments I find the best thing to do is first take a step back, remove myself from external stressors for a moment and re-evaluate just where I am at. I take the time to do things that give me pleasure that I may have neglected in the havoc of it all. Once I have gathered my own thoughts it is possibly the best thing ever to have some good friends that will put up with your mindless venting and sense of panic.

I have now come to realise I am human. I am not infallible. I have made poor choices and I will probably continue to make them. I love me. I love who I am. I am a well educated, well rounded girl. I respect myself so you better respect me too.

I am now no longer on a walk to self destruction but rather a journey to self betterment. I will no longer dwell on mistakes as a reflection of my character, but rather use them to learn, grow and be the best person I can be. Even if the world did want a certain version of me, I can only ever give the world the best version of myself.

Remember, self reflection is important, but do not pick yourself apart. You are who you are today because of all your past decisions, right or wrong. They have helped you grow, so reflect and continue to grow and become better than you were yesterday. It is about seeing the glass half full (or as I like to say, room for more wine).

I hope for someone reading this, going through something similar, it sparks your light bulb moment and you get your epiphany to realise how absolutely amazing you are, regardless of any choices you have made in your past.

xox your local bohemian

When I loved myself enough.
When I loved myself enough I came to know my own goodness.
When I loved myself enough the parts of me long ignored, the orphans of my soul, quit vying for attention. That was the beginning of inner peace, then I began to see clearly.
When I loved myself enough, my heart became so tender it could welcome joy and sorrow equally.
When I loved myself enough I started meditating everyday; this is a profound act of self love.
When I loved myself enough I no longer needed things or people to make me feel safe.
When I loved myself enough I quit exhausting myself by trying so hard.
When I loved myself enough I began to accept the unacceptable.
When I loved myself enough I gave up perfectionism, that killer of joy.
When I loved myself enough I began to see my purpose, and gently ween myself from distractions.
When I loved myself enough I realised that I am never alone.
When I loved myself enough I could be at ease with the comings and goings of judgement and despair.
When I loved myself enough I forgave myself for all the times I thought I wasn’t good enough.
When I loved myself enough things got real quiet inside.

When I loved myself enough I began to taste freedom.
-Kim McMillen

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